Another Day...Another Chance

 My life seems like a continuous loop of New Years - I'll start following a "schedule" next week, I'll start exercising next week, I'll diet next week, etc. and blah blah.

It's the way my brain works. The optimist wants to always believe that a-ha moment and fresh start is around the corner. The realist, or pessimist if we're really honest, is always ready to put it off another day.

I'm quite exhausted of this loop. There's not even an upside down loopity or a sharp drop for fun. This ride needs to end.

Today is my birthday, #48. Close to 50. Getting older by the moment. I think it's time to stick to a plan.

It's time to actually get in shape. It's time to read that book. It's time to clean the sock drawer. It's time to be the person I really want to be, the one I want to be remembered for being. It's time to love my family the way they deserve me to love them - and to love myself.

So, here's to another day of starting over. And here's to hoping it sticks.

Starting Over

 Starting over seems to be a theme in my life. It is partly a sign of my deep down eternal optimism, partly just hope that maybe dreams are attainable no matter what problems have occurred. It's also why I love New Year's Day, an entire day devoted to starting anew. I love the thrill of sitting down with a new calendar or planner. - never-mind that all I need to know is really stored on my phone. I don't even mind Mondays because it signifies the beginning of a new week.

This is also most likely why I struggle to follow through and accomplish my goals - like weight loss, learning new hobbies or habits, or finally having the Martha Stewart worthy home that exists in my head. When I slip up, have a bad day or whatever, there's always tomorrow - or next week. Not that having eternal optimism is a bad thing: it's just a little self-defeating at times. 

So, here I go again, at least in my little world, starting over. My nest is no longer empty; my nest is currently a little off balance (in a good way). My daughter, her husband and their daughter have moved back in temporarily. I love having them here, but it again starts a new role in life to learn, new routines to find, new attitudes to adopt.

First, I need to keep my eye on the greater household good. Some things are not worth the small squabbles that result. I have *some* issues with admitting when I'm wrong and sometimes have trouble keeping quiet. My greater goal at home is to be the best grandmother I can be - the playing, cookie baking type - and make sure my Rosie knows she is loved. My next goal is to be supportive of my daughter and her life. I am an involved mom, and I always want to be involved to some degree. Finally, I have to focus on my husband and our relationship. So, to reach these goals, I have to put aside some pride, some need to have the final word, and definitely some control (because these things are not nearly as important as my family).

As far as my health, I definitely need to make it a greater focus. I'm certainly not getting any younger. You would think that after 47 years of existence, and probably "dieting" in one form or another since I was 12, I would be able to understand and keep a greater rein on my health. I struggle with portion control and loving all the bad foods. I think it's also time I learn to focus on what my body is telling me, instead of my brain or taste buds. The mouth may be craving a second serving of chips but that doesn't mean my body needs or wants it. 

As for all the other pleasures and desires to balance in life, it comes down to time. We all have it, we just don't know how to spend it or take care of it. I need to learn to use it for what I want, prioritize, and not feel guilty that not everything will get done. Life will continue to go on.

Essentially...COVID

So far, 2020 has been a very strange year. The year we had the pandemic. The pandemic to which all pandemics will be compared to in the future - COVID 19.

The US basically shut down in mid-March. Everything except essential businesses were closed. Schools were closed. It's been weird. No toilet paper anywhere and no haircuts for anyone.

My husband and I are both considered essential. He works at a hospital and I work as a teacher at a residential treatment center for teenage boys. While other jobs have had hours cut, have been delegated to work from home or been completely laid off, our jobs have gone on almost as before. It is a strange thing. I am grateful we have not had the financial struggles some families have had. At the same time, watching the news has been different for us.

Most of the news focuses on people finding new ways to live at home. People taking up new hobbies, people having to homeschool their kids, people getting lots of things done at home. For us, we just go through a normal week, every week.

Not that things aren't different. Job activities have changed to match different guidelines. For me, I approach every weekend as my quarantine opportunity. I think of all the things I can do since I can't go many places. I also really miss my granddaughter and my daughter (and my son-in-law a little). They are stuck on their army base with no one allowed on to visit and not able to go away either. A baby can change a lot in a couple of months. My daughter has also had to deal with some issues on her own. Thank God for FaceTime.

This year is definitely not the year I had hoped for when it began. But it has been a year to remember. Hopefully life will return to "normal" soon. Hopefully the spread will slow or cease. I don't know how it will affect the future. Will this virus return later this year? Is it something we will learn to "control"? Hopes are that we will adapt and learn from this experience. And life will go on.

Respect

Once again, I find myself doubting my son-in-law's intentions in life. My inner mama bear wants to rip him completely apart. I have never appreciated it when anyone slighted my daughter. I certainly don't appreciate it when it's her husband, even though I know they're both grown ups.

I still have access to his email. He has recently started talking to an old "friend" from high school, a female friend. Turns out, he bought this friend and himself matching bracelets, with a note that says "You'll always be my best friend. I'll pick mine up in person <3". What the fuck?

I could almost excuse that. He was drinking when he ordered it. These things usually tend to take place at night. Nothing good happens after 11, especially when alone with Jack.

I had not told my daughter yet. I didn't want to spoil my upper hand yet. Then I snooped again. This time I found 2 emails he sent to her, both links to ultrasound training schools. On one the emails, after the link, he wrote I love you. That was too much to see. So I told my daughter.

She hasn't reacted yet. Not wholly. I'm sure she will. At this time, he was in the next room and she was playing with their baby.

These past two weeks have been weird. He has spent time snapchatting this girl, right next to my daughter. He has texted her occasionally. He even has had a few long phone calls with her. Whenever my daughter brings these things up, he brushes it off. He has in the past used the double standard card. He can do whatever he wants but she's not allowed to talk to any old male friends, even those long time friend zone friends.

I hate that this seems to be the path he is going down. They are young, but I want them to be good. She has become such an amazing wife and mom. She deserves respect and love. It's time for the fuck boy she married to become a real man.

My odd birthday present...

My birthday was March 15. I turned 47 and the week before had starting thinking of big plans. I tend to think of birthdays as like a New Year's redo. It's an easy to start off point to make improvements for the next year. This year I got a completely unexpected and unwanted gift - a pandemic!
This past weekend is when the reality of the COVID 19 pandemic started to sink in for Americans. We seem to think of ourselves as separate and have that 'it won't happen here attitude'. Well, it's here. It's everywhere.
It is a very strange feeling. I know most are feeling the same way. It's a little lost, a little overwhelmed, a little depressing. Life seems to change daily now. Stores close earlier, and that's the one's staying open. Restaurants are encouraging people to get take out or delivery, some closing their dining rooms completely. DisneyWorld has closed temporarily and that never happens. Stores are filled with empty shelves (toilet paper and meat seem very popular).
It feels like it will last forever. It feels like a new normal that no one wanted. All those events I marked as interested in on Facebook - canceled or rescheduled. So much for a new year of adventure.
This should be a time of working on ourselves, and I suppose that will happen for me when I adapt. I guess we can think of this event as that mystical someday we always talk about - someday I'll learn to crochet, someday I'll do puzzles, someday I'll finish a book again. Right now, I'm just adapting.
I also have to adapt to wondering when I'll see my daughter and granddaughter again. They are stationed at an army base right now (not too far away) but travel is discouraged or completely off limits depending on the day. It could always be worse, I know. It's just one more thing to mind-shift about at the moment.
I hope this passes quickly. I'm sorry for those who have been diagnosed with COVID 19, and especially for those who have passed away due to this highly contagious virus. At least it doesn't seem like the zombie apocalypse I've always secretly worried would become real. At least not yet!

Out with the Old

So I haven't used this page as much as I'd hoped. This year has flown by in so many ways.

It has been a process to figure out how to live life without a constant child to attend to. It has been hard to learn to deal with life stress without the pleasant distraction having a constant child brings. I have mostly settled into accepting life, and growing in my new role as Grandma.

I am ready to take a fresh approach to 2020. This may seem like business as usual. Fresh approaches are one reason I absolutely love New Year's Day. It's a day of fresh starts, a day I use to recharge by stashing away Christmas and thinking toward the future (and watching football).

I have stopped calling things resolutions. Resolution has almost a "fatal" feel to me, like the end of the story not the beginning. I prefer goals, things to work toward, things to improve. That being defined, here's some of mine for 2020.

Find The Good - my job and life can sometimes feel stressful (imagine that). Without a kid around, there's so much more time to dwell on the negative and overthink everything. So, I plan to work on writing a blessings journal again. It helped me in the past when my daughter was battling anxiety and depression, helped me focus on the good side. I'm hoping it helps again.

Get Up and Move - I always plan to lose weight, since about the age of 12. Now, I want to focus on weight and the active side. I'm getting older, but I have a whole new reason to get in better shape. I want to be around for a long time as a Grandma. I want to watch my little Elena-Rose grow into whatever she is meant to be. I have so much hope and love for her, and my daughter (and son-in-law) and I want to see where that future leads.

Just Go - I want to find joy in exploring again - new places to eat, new places to visit, hiking, odd road trips, even things happening around town. I don't want to stick to the old status quo. I don't want to use the "too tired" as a constant excuse. You only live once!

Find the Happy - My job is super stressful, and it doesn't always make me happy. I have been casually looking, but that's not even the happy I'm thinking right now. I want to find happiness in the worst of days. I want to remember why I thought this job would be worthwhile. I want to find that happiness in whatever situation I am in at the time - new job, same job, whatever. A job can't make happiness, but an attitude can.

So, that's it for now. Hoping for a new start and finding more ways to fly without a nest to support me.

Do all men suck, deep down?

It's completely unrelated to my empty nest. But since I've not done well keeping up, I've decided to vent about something close to my heart.

Do all men suck?

It seems like a simple question. Of course not all men suck. But it's hard to find out when they don't exactly.

Even as a mom of an adult child, and a new grandma, I still worry about my daughter and her happiness. I suppose that's natural. I want the best for her. I want her man to love and respect her completely. I would hope it's not too much to ask.

Sneaky mom type moment, I have access to my son-in-law's email. Not my idea. They passed down a laptop and never logged out. I try to ignore it. Keep it closed. But notices pop up. One popped up from Apple. I know they've had some strange charges, so I was tempted to look. I was shocked to see that it was about his Tinder subscription.

I can't think of a valid reason for a married man to have a Tinder. I want to think that it's because he has a practical joking personality so maybe he did it to catfish or pick on one of his friends. But I worry. He has stopped wearing his ring and this has worried my daughter. I have never doubted that he loved her, until now. He always talked down about cheaters but now I wonder if that's become easy for him.

So now what? I can't say anything, not without actual proof. I have worries, concerns, suspicions even but no proof. According to his phone records, he has been calling or texting a few women that I've never heard of but still no concrete proof. Don't ask how I know these things. I've been a super spy mom for a while. I have my ways.

I don't want him to be a suck man. I really don't. As far as mother-in-laws go, I've always considered myself on the high end of the scale. I am very supportive, always have been. I'm pretty sure when he was away at basic, I wrote him almost as much as my daughter and way more than his family ever did. He lived with us and I cared for him as family before that time too.

We were close. Now, I'm not sure. He wavers. Sometimes it seems like old times, sometimes not so much. Either way, I don't want to see my daughter and granddaughter hurt.

In case a suck man is reading this, Don't be that man. Don't disrespect your wife, the mother of your child. Don't play the field, joke about other women or even watch porn. I know that's an extreme ask but your wife, your life deserves more than that from you. You don't have to suck.